Grief, Fire, Closet Doors, and Masks
LecTarot Divina
(*IF YOU’RE WONDERING WHAT ‘LECTAROT DIVINA’ IS, CLICK HERE)
One of my favorite tarot decks is "The Sacred Web" deck (on sale now, by the way), designed by a mother and son team, Jannie Bui Brown and James W Brown IV (they were on the podcast last week - listen to them HERE).
This morning I sat with the deck for a few moments and asked God or the universe or whatever what I needed to know or consider or see differently.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
I tapped the deck with my knuckles and then invited my inner child or intuitive Self to break the deck with my left/less dominant hand … and I pulled the "Fire" card.
NOW - one thing you need to know about this deck is that the names of the cards are different from traditional decks AND the drawings are different, as well. I found that to be quite intimidating at first, to be honest, because it made me feel super disoriented after spending over a year with more traditional cards images.
BUT.
I love this deck because it not only fans my creativity into flame as I look at the drawings and consider what they might mean for me, but the deck comes with an amazing book that has acted as a springboard for all sorts of insights.
Anyways.
So, this card pictures a praying mantis at the forefront with a tree of sorts growing out of it; and the tree is on fire as a dark sky filled with stars lights up the night above.
A lot can be said about the card, obviously, but FIRE - that struck me this morning; because the thing about fire is that it changes things, right? And it doesn't just change things on the outside, but on the inside as well.
Fire burns away the outer layers and then it burns into the inner layers - it changes everything it touches as it moves from the outside to the inside and inside to outside, burning everything in its path until nothing is left to consume.
And so (for me) the Divine whispered that this last year of my life has been a fire, a massive fire. My dad passed away last March and it felt like everything fell apart, like nothing would ever be the same. A roaring fire started burning in the front yard of my life's house, so to speak, and it quickly made its way into the house - torching absolutely everything in its path.
And today? The fire still burns as on most days I feel like I sit in a pile of ash or rubble, surveying the damage, wondering how on earth anything will ever be able to be rebuilt.
As I sat with the ash this morning, though, I realized that this fire has burned away some things in me, some things that (I think) needed to be burned away - it's burned away camouflage, it's burned away masks, it's burned away the closet door that I've been stuffing my own grief behind for years.
Masks and Camouflage?
The loss of my dad has burned away a good chunk of my "False Self", the me that cared about so many things that no longer seem to matter.
Since he passed away, for instance, I've been more intentional with following my heart in terms of topics I explore on the podcast (that my dad was so proud of) and in my own personal journey - tarot, astrology, mediumship, life after death, unity/oneness … I still explore topics regarding deconstruction and reconstruction and Biblical history, of course - those things will always interest me and be a passion point.
But.
I have these other interests, as well - interests that I was once hesitant to explore because I was afraid of what people would think.
My dad's passing, though, burned through that fear and torched that mask and now I feel more free to explore those topics without fear of or caring what others might think.
Truth be told …
Those episodes get WAY LESS downloads.
Those posts get WAY LESS interactions.
Those episodes have caused me to LOSE (much needed) Patreon support.
Those episodes cause people from my former tribe to think I've LOST MY MIND more than they already thought I did.
But.
I don't really care - those topics are true to my journey, they are meaningful to me, they matter to me, they are helpful to me, and so I explore them without apology. I no longer feel the temptation to hide behind a mask that will get downloads, find more Patreon supporters, compete with the bigger "deconstruction" podcasts, etc.
I'm just … me - navigating through life, processing grief, and trying to follow close on the heels of the Divine.
The fire has also, as I said, burned away the Closet Door that I stuffed my grief behind for so many years.
I mentioned this in a previous post, but life in the church conditioned me to stuff my own grief and feelings away so that I could elevate God, the Church, and everyone else's needs above my own.
Sermons had to be written.
Sermons had to be preached.
Meetings needed to be led.
Money needed to be raised.
Souls needed to be saved.
And so I put all of that above my own needs, squashed my own feelings and grief down, and pushed on with a happy face as I declared that one day "all the tears would be wiped away" and "I just gotta have faith and trust God and keep moving forward!"
Not anymore.
My dad's passing burned that closet door to a crisp and nowadays I'm just … me.
Some days I feel pretty good.
Other days I feel like I’m a mess.
I might be smiling one minute.
Crying the next.
Angry the one after that.
My insides feel like a tornado to happiness and good memories, sadness and loss, and anger at the memories we'll never get to make.
It's a mess, but I no longer stuff it all away - I cancel podcast recordings on days the grief is too heavy, I tell people I work for that I need some space, I tell my family that I'm just having a hard day.
Yeah, the fire - it's burned away some things.
Interestingly, this is what John the Baptist said that the fire of The Christ would do. After I pulled the "Fire" card this morning I flipped open my Bible to Matthew's Gospel where John says that Jesus will "ignite the Kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house - make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned."
Hm.
If that doesn't sum up everything I just told you about the "Fire" card and the burning up of my masks and "Grief Closet Door" … I don't know what does.
And so my prayer today is …
"The fire hurts, God. The burning hurts. I can't see through the smoke anymore, I can't breathe with the smoke in my lungs anymore. I want to lay down, I want to go to sleep. And maybe that's what I need - maybe I just need to sleep. And so as I close my eyes with the fire raging around me, would you do some good with it? The fire is burning, I can't change that. And so if it must burn, please use it to do some good in me, in my life, in the life of my family. Keep burning away the masks, keep burning away the closet doors, keep the fire burning away everything in my life that doesn't serve the purpose of me living as my true Self, the me I have been created to be - the me who was fashioned after you."
Amen, and much love.
Glenn || SUPPORT
Just beautiful!