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Friends.
I grew up thinking I had demons inside of me.
Like.
Literal demons. Maybe they had horns and wings and big teeth. Or maybe they were just some sort of blob of evil, cosmic goo-energy. Or maybe they were part of my own “fallen nature".
I don’t know.
But, whatever the case may be - I thought the voices I heard in my head were demons that were trying to distract me, tear me down, and keep me from making a difference in the world.
You see, I grew up in an Evangelical world that had a bit of a charasmastic twist to it - we talked a lot about angels and demons and Satan and the healing powers of God along with the ability of Jesus’ power to cast out demons and evil spirits and things like that.
And me?
I was convinced I had a demon inside of me because I grew up with a nagging, critical voice that constantly told me how stupid I was and how I have absolutely nothing to add to the world.
Self-Doubt?
Self-Condemnation?
Self-Hatred?
… call it what you will, but it was relentless. Whenever I had to “put myself out there” in a conversation or presentation or whatever, this voice would ramp up and make me feel like a shell of myself.
I would shake.
I would sweat.
My voice would tremble.
And so in school and in church I went through multiple “prayer sessions” or “deliverence sessions” or “exorcisms” or whatever you want to call them where people would anoint my head with oil, lay hands on me, and try to cast out this demon by the power of Jesus.
Sometimes the prayers were said with low, whispering voices and other times they were said loudly and firmly with a hint of anger behind them, commanding this “demon” to come out of me and go to the pit of hell where he belongs.
Inevitably, the voice would go quiet after that. “It worked!”, I’d think, as I’d go to school and church feeling free of the voice and free of the unbearable weight of self-doubt.
But.
Slowly?
Surely?
Over time?
Yup - the voice would come back, and it would come back louder and louder and louder each time.
And in the world I grew up in? When a demon was cast out it would only return if I gave it a “foothold” or an “open door” or an “invitation” to come back - if I didn’t read my Bible enough or if I didn’t go to church or if I didn’t put enough money in the offering plate or if I listened to music that wasn’t Christian or if I watched a movie that had suggestive themes in it.
I.
I.
I.
I.
In other words, the demon would come back if I let it back, which only made my self-doubt and self-condemnation worse.
“Can I do ANYTHING right?”
“All of these people prayed for me and I let it back in, I’m right back where I started.”
“I mess everything up.”
“I really am terrible at everything.”
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
This went on for 20+ years, even up to today! I joke sometimes, but it’s true - before EVERY podcast recording where I have to hop on camera with someone to engage them in a 40+ minute conversation that will be listened to by hundreds of people, I feel like I’m going to throw up and have an urge to tell the guest that I’m sick or something came up or my Internet isn’t working … any excuse to get out of the conversation so that I can go back to bed and sleep off the panic that I feel inside.
Yes.
This STILL happens to me today - all these years and all these episodes later.
BUT.
I no longer think this voice is a demon and I no longer try to get rid of it; instead - I’ve befriended it.
About 5 years ago I came across the work of The Holistic Psychologist / Dr. Nicole LePera and had a conversation with my friend Alexander John Shaia who posed a perspective-changing question to me. He’s a spiritual teacher who brings a mystical twist to life and I’ll never forget what he said …
“What if that voice inside of you isn’t a demon? What if it’s, instead, your inner child - a small version of yourself who is full of self-doubt and self-condemnation not because he’s trying to hurt you, but because you find yourself in a situation today (as an adult) that reminds him of a time when he (as a child) was made to feel like a failure? And what if his insistence that you give up or run away is just him trying to protect you from getting hurt again? If you look at that voice as one coming from a child who is maybe your daughter’s age as opposed to a drooling demon with fangs and horns - I wonder how you might speak to him? Would you cast him out and send him to hell? Or might you sit him on your knee and speak to him the truth of who he is - how wonderful, smart, and capable he is?”
And.
Honestly?
That changed everything for me because rather than see this voice as a scary voice that wanted to discourage me, I began to see it as the voice of a frightened boy who was maybe …
7?
8?
9 years old?
… and as I looked into his eyes I felt like I was looking into the eyes of my daughter, Jordan, and I began to wonder how I might respond to her if she were to come to me with the same doubts I was feeling inside.
Would I tell her to “go away”?
Would I tell her to “go to hell”?
Would I tell her to “stop it”?
No, right? Instead, I would put her on my knee and I would look at her with tears in my own eyes and tell her what an amazing and capable human she is and how much she makes the world better and brighter simply because she exists.
And so now when that voice starts to bubble up inside of me, that’s what I do. I take some deep breaths and I speak to him in a loving, compassionate voice and remind him of who he is …
“I know this moment reminds you of a scary moment from our past. I get that. It was a hard time and you shouldn’t have had to experience that. Today, though, I’m here with you. These are different times, we are different people - we have changed, we have grown, we have learned from our past - and we’re better for it. And so we’re going to move foward in this moment. As scary as it is, we’re going to get through it. And when we do, you’ll take a deep breath of relief and we’ll celebrate that we did it. You aren’t alone, I’m here with you and I’m proud of you.”
Yes.
I don’t have a demon inside of me, I have a little boy inside and he’s just looking for a friend and for his older self to cheer him on and believe in him.
This, I think, is a layer of healing and what it looks like to begin to “reparent our inner child”.
Which.
By the way.
Reminds me - my conversation with Dr. Nicole LePera releases next month where we talk all about her new book, “Reparenting the Inner Child”. That conversation was balm for my soul - stay tuned.
Until then - much love.
Glenn || SUPPORT / ART STUDIO