I No Longer Go Into Conversations Looking to Win

a subtle shift

Friends.

I used to go into 99% of conversations looking to win, you know? Like, I wanted to make my point, emphasize my point, and make sure that the person I was conversing with knew my point of view and saw how profound it was.

Sigh.

I picked this up from my Evangelical days, of course. In that world there is a big emphasis on things like “evangelism” (sharing your faith with others) and “apologetics” (defending your faith against others), which comes from that verse in 1 Peter (3:15, to be exact) where the writer (who wasn’t Peter, btw) says to “always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

(**NOTE: that last part, “do this with genteless and respect” was usually left OFF the quote when it was shared by pastors, professors, etc. To be honest, I didn’t even know that part of the verse was there until I went and read 1 Peter for myself - HA!”)

The idea I came away with was that I should always win the conversation, you know? If a conversation revolved around theology or politics or the church or the Bible or God or any of the “hot-button” issues, I needed to make sure that my super-thought-out-Christian point of view was heard and acknowledged as elite.

And.

Honestly?

When I moved to the more “progressive” side of things, not much changed (if I’m being honest). I still had this urge to be right, you know? Instead of winning arguments about why there IS a hell and why God DOES send people there who believe the wrong things, now I was focused on winning arguments about why there ISN’T a hell and why God DOESN’T send people there who believe the wrong things.

The energy was the same, I just had a …

NEW argument.

Backed by a NEW set of Bible verses.

With a desire to be seen as right about a NEW set of values.

Backed by a NEW group of people in a NEW echo chamber.

Where we put our support behind a NEW candidate, NEW authors/thinkers, etc.

I wrote about this on the blog a while ago, but I came to this realization as the last election season heated up that I was just as angry and irritated and shaming and judgmental as a progressive as I was as a conservative and that a still, small voice inside gently spoke to me and challenged me to consider whether or not I was becoming (on the Left) the same energy that I had sought to leave behind on the Right.

Phew.

And so.

These days?

I don’t have it figured out, friends. Let me just start there. I know I talk a lot about this sort of thing (because it’s something I think about A LOT and am trying to figure out every day), but I don’t have it all figured out. In fact, there are moments and days where the thoughts in my head regarding people who see the world differently than me scare me. Sometimes I think the most hateful, judgmental, shaming things about “them” and “those people” - maybe even more so than anyone I know.

BUT.

I’m learning to pause these days.

Yes.

… Pause.

And I’m learning to monitor the energy inside.

And I’m learning to ask it questions.

And I’m learning to realize that the thoughts I sometimes have about Trump or a Trump supporter aren’t the thoughts of my true sef, but the thoughts of my conditioned self that has spent years and years living on the Right and the Left and has been (for lack of a better word) groomed to argue, debate, and be right about … everything.

Which brings me back to this idea about no longer going into conversations looking to or aiming to be “right”.

I’m reading this book called “The Next Conversation” written by Jefferson Fisher (who is a trial attorney). As a lawyer, he is involved almost 24/7 in conversations with people who see things lightyears differently than him.

And the whole premise of his book?

This is wild.

He’s learning that …

Conversations go a lot further.

Empathy makes a stronger appearance.

Understanding is easily attained.

… when he goes into conversations with the goal of UNDERSTANDING as opposed to WINNING.

And so that’s the goal I have these days - when I come across someone who see things differently than I do and every fiber of my being wants to jump on them with my perspective, my point of view, how I understand the issue, why I’m right?

I’m learning to pause.

I’m learning to take a deep breath.

AND.

I’m learning to ask some questions.

Questions like …

“Wow. I never considered that before - can you help me understand how you came to that conclusion?”

“You sound really passionate about your perspective on this - do you mind if I ask you why?”

“Hmm. I see that wildly different and although I’d love to tell you my perspective, I’d love to hear how you came to your conclusions.”

As someone who is used to let my response to their belief lead with my disagreement, I’m learning to put my disagreement on hold so that I can make space to ask some clarifying questions for the simple reason of understanding their perspective and how they got to the conclusions they’ve come to.

Fisher puts it like this …

It’s often not the difference in belief or opinion that’s the problem. It’s the failure to understand the difference in perspective. When you bother yourself enough to want to know why someone holds a particular belief, rather than simply criticizing the belief because it’s different from yours, only then will you begin to appreicate their point of view.

And, friends? Here’s the thing. You might try this and still adamantly disagree with the views of the other person … and that’s fine. Why? Becuase the goal isn’t to have everyone think the same way. Rather, the goal is to understand each other and hear each other; because I’m convinced that 99.999999% of the problems we have today aren’t because 1 side is right and the other side is wrong, but because neither side feels heard and (therefore) both sides feel they need to scream and shout and rant and rave and expel all sorts of energy that (let’s face it) doesn’t do much to make the world a better, more liveable place.

So, yeah. That’s where I’m at these days and as hard as it is, it’s a huge relief (for me, anyways) - the feeling of NEEDING to be heard and NEEDING to be understood and NEEDING to have my point taken carries a ton of pressure with it whereas WANTING to hear others, WANTING to understand how they got to where they are, WANTING to make sure I understand the point they are trying to make … it does something to me and (I think) it does something to the energy around me as it (I hope) makes me easier to talk to, easier to confide in, easier to trust.

Pick up Jefferson’s book and see if some of his ideas might work for you.

Much love.

• Glenn || SUPPORT / ART STUDIO

(**NOTE: As an Amazon Associate I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases such as the book linked in this post.)