Stone #3: The Stone of Canceling
rob bell, draco malfoy, and the worth of every human being
Friends.
Do you remember when Rob Bell was canceled by the (mostly) Evangelical Church that once upheld him as a prominent teacher and thinker?
He wrote a book called “Love Wins” (which, today, is one of my favorite books) where he asked some questions regarding “traditional” understandings of hell, the afterlife, etc. and was met with some harsh criticism headed by John Piper’s famous tweet:
After the book was released I remember going to the Christian Bookstore in town (which happened to be on the campus of my High School, which was on the campus of one of the largest churches in the area) to pick up a copy of the book.
Now.
I had been in that bookstore approximately 32,000 times and so I knew exactly where Rob Bell’s books were …
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians.
Etc.
I walked though the door, headed over to the “Christian Living” section, looked for authors whose last names began with “B”, and searched for “Bell”.
And.
There was.
Nothing.
“Hm”, I thought. “I guess people not only bought his new book, but all his old ones too!”
And so I went over to the counter to place an order or reserve a copy coming in the next shipment. I told the guy behind the counter what I was looking for and I’ll never forget it. He smirked at me and said, “oh, we won’t be carrying that book or any of Bell’s books any more.”
“Why?”, I asked.
“Well”, he said, “haven’t you heard about this book? He says there is no hell! We can’t carry books by a false teacher like that. He is leading people astray.”
“Really?”, I said. “So, you’ve read the book?”, I asked.
“No”, he said, “but I’ve heard a lot about it and the books have all been taken off the shelf.”
Yes - Rob Bell had been canceled by my local Christian Book store, high school, and church; and spearheading the whole operation was the guy at the counter (who was a manager) who hadn’t even read the book.
The release of “Love Wins” created such a stir that Rob ended up leaving the mega church he planted (Mars Hill in Michigan) and all but fell off the radar for a while before re-emerging with his podcast (The Robcast), some new books, art, and more.
But.
In a very real way.
The canceling of Rob Bell took his well-respected name and dragged it through the fires of Evangelical …
Anger.
Wrath.
Condemnation.
Shame.
Judgment.
… as churches (much like the Christian Book Store that was part of the Church at my Evangelical Christian High School) felt pressure from the gatekeepers of their faith System to disassociate with the teachings of Rob Bell and anything good he had ever done.
Every teaching.
Every book.
Every video.
Every sermon.
In fact, I can remember being in seminary shortly after this whole ordeal and being “spoken to” by the dean who said to me (in front of my entire class), “it’s OK to read Rob’s stuff, Glenn; but if you keep posting about it online people are going to think bad things about you. You might want to back off it a bit.”
Both “sides” do this, right? I mean, each side blames the other for canceling, but if we want to be honest - the Left does it just as much as the Right and the Right just as much as the Left.
The Right cancels people like Rob Bell, Richard Rohr, bakeries who make LGBTQ cakes, and movies like Noah while the Left cancels people like JK Rowling, Sticker Mule (a sticker printing company whose owner is very outspoken of his support for Trump), bakeries who refuse to make LGBTQ cakes, and movies like David and The Passion of the Christ.
And the one thing that never happens?
Or rarely happens?
It’s super rare that anyone approaches the one they are set on canceling with even the smallest amount of curiosity OR positive intent, thinking that maybe (just maybe!) the person in question might be MORE on the inside than the views they are expressing on the outside - a human being that is worthy of grace, compassion, and kindness.
“Why?”, you might ask - “Why would we do that? Why should we be curious? Assume positive intent? Especially when they DO something horrible or SAY something horrible or TREAT PEOPLE in horrible ways?”
It’s not easy, I admit.
I’m currently re-reading through the Harry Potter series (and watching the movies! - SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN, WATCHED, ETC.) and there’s this point in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows where Harry is trying to escape a room that is on fire while also being attacked by a fellow student who has been his archenemy for the entirety of the series (Draco Malfoy, who [along with his friends] started the fire).
Malfoy? He’s the character you love to hate, you know?
The perfect villian.
The perfect bully.
A rich snob.
A daddy’s boy.
Full of himself.
… Every page of the book he’s on annoys me!
Anyways.
Just as Harry is about to escape the room while flying on his broom, Malfoy slips off a ledge and is dangling by the tips of his fingers above a roaring fire - moments away from certain death.
“HA! Finally. Malfoy is gonna get his!”
“YES! Justice for Harry and every other person he’s humiliated!”
“Karma!”
Harry, though? He sees Malfoy in danger and rather than speed away (and cancel him once and for all!), he turns his broom around (even though his friend, Ron, wants to keep going) to grab Malfoy by the arm and fly him to safety - dropping him away from the fire before flying off with his friends.
As the story goes on, the reader’s heart begins to soften a bit towards Malfoy as we see that this kid who has been a bully for the last 6 books …
This kid we wouldn’t have minded exiting the story early on.
This kid who has picked on all of our favorite characters.
This kid who has been chosen by the main villian to do the worst thing imagineable.
… is actually deeply wounded inside, full of fear and insecurity. His wounds aren’t an excuse for his actions, of course (no one’s are - mine, yours, etc.), but they also show that he is more on the inside than the terrible decisions he’s made on the outside and he (like all of us) is worthy of grace, compassion, and kindness.
And, Harry knew this.
Right?
That’s why, I think, he turned his broom around:
He knew that Malfoy had more going on INSIDE than he could see OUTSIDE.
He knew that Malfoy grew up with parents who sold themselves to the Dark Forces of the Wizarding world.
He knew that Malfoy’s father had impossibly high expectations of him.
He knew that his parents expected him to follow in their footsteps.
He knew that Malfoy was carrying a large load on his young shoulders.
He knew that deep down, Malfoy wasn’t evil.
And so he chose to turn around and help him not because what he did on the outside deserved it, but because the good person he was (the good person we ALL are!) on the inside was covered by a lifetime of hurt and wounds and baggage and poor decisions.
Look.
I’ll admit.
I’m sad to say.
That sometimes when the “enemies” of my life or the “enemies” of “my side/team” are dangling from their own ledges over fires of the anger, wrath, judgment, and shaming words of “my team” or “my side” or my “progressive/conservative friends” …
The pastor who gets caught in an affair.
Spiritual leaders (like Deepak Chopra) who have shown up in the Epstein Files.
JK Rowling (the creator of Harry Potter) who has weaponized her ability to craft words to attack trans people.
My MAGA Facebook friend who says the most awful things in defense of Trump.
Donald Trump who has all but set the world on fire.
… I’m pretty quick to consider stepping on the gas pedal of my broom to fly away and join my friends - leaving them to be consumed by the fires of our collective anger, wrath, judgment, and words of shame and condemnation.
“Good”, I think. “They deserve it. Look at what they’ve done. Look at what they’ve said. Look at the kind of person they are. Cancel them! Take her books off the shelves! Delete all the podcast episodes that pastor has been on! Unfriend and block the person on Facebook! I hope Trump suffers like he’s made so many others suffer! In the words of John Piper, ‘farewell’!”
Re-reading Harry Potter is teaching me a lot of things, though; and one thing it’s been teaching me is that people are more than the things they do, the things they say, the decisions they make, etc. because beneath all the stuff we see on the outside that bothers us so much is an unseen lifetime of stories that have been woven together to influence who they are today.
And again:
Those wounds and stories aren’t an excuse for their actions (as I said above, no one’s are - not even ours); but those wounds and stories can serve to remind us that the people we most want to cancel and write off and leave dangling above the fires of our anger and wrath are more on the inside than the terrible decisions they’ve made on the outside and they (like all of us) are worthy of grace, compassion, and kindness.
“Love your enemies”, Jesus said.
And.
“Pray for those who persecute you.”
And.
“Treat others as you want to be treated.”
And.
“Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Now.
This doesn’t mean that we won’t ever need to “cancel” someone for our own physical, mental, emotional well-being.
Did you hear that?
I’ll say it again:
This doesn’t mean that we won’t ever need to “cancel” someone for our own physical, mental, emotional well-being. This doesn’t mean that we won’t ever have to part ways with someone, send their calls to voicemail, block them on Facebook, take their books off of our shelves, etc.
That’s not what I’m saying here.
I canceled my step-father because, honestly, he was an awful father who wounded me and wounded me and then wounded me some more with zero remorse. In fact, even after he died - he made sure that the obituary and accompanying video that went along with it was one last stab in the back to me and my mom.
Sigh.
At some point I made a decision for myself that exposing myself to his presence was no longer healthy for me and although …
I could forgive him.
I could wish him well.
I could bless him.
I could invite him to The Table.
… that didn’t mean I needed to be in any kind of relationship with him, that didn’t mean he needed to sit next to me at The Table - I could cancel him out of my life and still genuinely wish him well.
I also canceled someone who was once a friend of mine who treated me in some awful ways that, frankly, reminded me of my step-father.
We had words.
We went back and forth.
I unfriended him.
And then he reached out and apologized and said he was wrong and I forgave him, but I told him - “thanks so much for reaching out, I really do appreciate it; but I really can’t be in a relationship like we had anymore; I need some distance from you because what you said and how you attacked me and the assumptions you made about me have stirred up some old traumas and memories and that’s energy I choose to no longer expose myself to. I wish you well on your journey and with your work and please know - I do forgive you.”
That might seem extreme, I know. But, for me? It was something I had to do, a boundary I had to make for my own mental well-being.
And?
Honestly?
This guy understood and we parted ways without any hard feelings.
And you may need to cancel someone, too. In fact, you may need to cancel someone that I’ve chosen not to cancel.
Maybe JK Rowling and her rhetoric against trans people is too much for you to handle because you have a trans child.
I get that, 100% - it’s OK to get rid of her books. Burn them if you need to.
Or maybe you need to cancel Donald Trump and write him off because the way he speaks, the things he’s done, etc. remind you of things that were done and said to you.
I get that - it’s OK to feel what you feel, to say what you need to say. Let your words burn with rage.
Maybe you need to never speak to or make eye contact with your MAGA neighbor because of the way he repeatedly speaks to you about the rainbow flag sticker on your car.
I get that - you don’t need to expose yourself to that kind of energy.
The point I’m trying to make here isn’t that no one should ever cancel anyone ever again, but that even if we do end up canceling someone, we can (as hard as it may be) eventually come to a place where we cancel them NOT from a place of fiery anger and judgement and superiority and stone throwing, hoping that they get consumed by our fires and “get what they have coming to them”.
BUT.
With a sense of compassion - choosing to part ways with their work or their presence while wishing that life leads them to a place where they can be more healed of their wounds and traumas, moving closer to becoming the best version of themselves.
Much like Harry, we can look over our shoulder and see that the fires of the anger and judgment and rage of our side or our team are about to consume them; and instead of joining our side in hurling more fiery stones …
Talking trash about the MAGA neighbor.
Hoping the person who hurt us has a miserable life.
Ranting about Trump and Christian Nationalists non-stop on social media.
Bashing “the other side” in text threads.
Talking about how stupid or dumb or lost “they” are.
Etc.
… we can, perhaps, choose to turn our brooms around (even if our friends disagree!), grab them by the hand, and place them in a safe place …
Choosing NOT to talk trash about them.
Choosing NOT to hope they have a miserable life.
Choosing NOT to rant about them on social media.
Choosing NOT to join the text threads.
Choosing NOT to call them names behind their back (or to their face!).
… then fly away, hoping that life leads them to a place where they can find healing and growth and life change - even if they find it far away from us, at the other end of The Table, never speaking to us, and us never engaging with their work again.
And.
As always?
This doesn’t need to be your jam, OK? I’m not here to tell you what to do, how to act, how to respond to people who hurt you or annoy you or act in evil ways in the world. You do you, my friend.
Me?
This is just where I’m at. Looking back, I’ve hurled my share of canceling stones at people and these days I’m chosing to loosen my grip on the stones so I can make a little more room in my palms for curiosity about the story of the person I’m so ready to cut off.
And then?
If I do need to cancel (like with my step-dad and friend who treated me in some terrible ways)?
I can do so not from a place of judgmental stone throwing, but from a place of kindness and compassion and a true hope that life leads them to a place of healing and bettering of themselves.
Much love.
Glenn || SUPPORT / ART STUDIO
PS - here are some books that have helped me with my own “stones of canceling”.
Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chödron
There Is No Other by Ram Dass
Sage Warrior by Valarie Kaur