Stone #4: The Stone of Assumptions
what 11 years at apple taught me about the guy down the street with 6 trump signs on his lawn
Friends.
Back in 2010 I got a job at Apple after I left my job as a pastor and for the first time ever I found myself working alongside people who were very different from me.
I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian bubble where everyone (for the most part) thought like me, believed like me, and even looked like me. And although I heard about people who were …
Atheists.
Gay.
Witches.
Hippies.
Muslim.
Etc.
… I never spent any considerable time with someone who fell into one of those categories because we were taught to stay away from “those kinds of people”.
“Them”, right? “Those people, the others”.
We were taught that atheists were on a mission to turn the whole world away from God, gay people will try to turn our kids gay, witches worship Satan, hippies have lots of sex, take drugs, and have no regard for their bodies, Muslims are violent … on and on the list could go.
And.
So.
I assumed that all of these people (and anyone who was different than me, especially in terms of theology and spirituality) was a “problem” that I (as a good Chrisitan!) was chosen by God to help “fix”.
When I got to Apple, though, I found myself working alongside of “those people” where I shared a locker with a lesbian, was trained by a gay man, reported to a hippie who openly talked about all sorts of things, and was mentored by a guy who wore a turban.
And.
As a result?
Well. Early on I was hyperfocused on how I could “minister” to “these lost people” and help them “meet Jesus” …
I pondered how I could strike up a conversation about church with the lesbian who shared a locker with me.
I wondered if the gay guy who was training me would be interested in coming to church.
I thought about whether I could silently pray against the girl who practiced witchcraft and if some of her “powers” might weaken.
I tried to connect with the hippie over New Age spiritulity and bring Jesus into the converation.
I read some books and websites about what Muslims believe about God and tried to think of ways I could tell my Muslim co-worker about the “true God”.
But.
Then?
As time went on?
I got to know “those people” and began to realize that a lot of the assumptions I had about “them” were wrong.
Very.
Very.
Wrong.
And that makes me wonder, what other assumptions might I be wrong about?
Right?
Because back then I was dead set on believing that my assumptions were right - no one could convince me otherwise. In fact, many people tried to convince me with various arguments that …
Gay people wouldn’t try to make my kids gay.
Atheists wouldn’t try to lead me away from God.
Muslims weren’t violent.
… but no argument on earth could change my mind.
Instead.
My mind was changed only when I had experiences with the kinds of people I held assumptions about and came to the realization (on my own) that (although we migth disagree about God or spirituality or politics) they weren’t terrible people at all.
Now, I’d like to say that I’m 100% free of assumptions these days.
But.
If I’m being honest.
Today I find myself having just as strong (if not stronger) assumptions about …
People who wear red MAGA hats.
People who (still) have their Trump signs up on their laws (a year+ after the election!).
People who (like the family that lives behind us) have a “Christian Flag” hanging on the same pole as their “American Flag”.
People who hand out Gospel tracts.
People who quote Bible verses at me.
People who have a Jesus Fish and an American Flag on the back of their car (or a Jesus Fish with stars and stripes!).
People who vote Republican down the line.
Etc.
“Those people”, I often think to myself, “probably a Trump-loving, gay-hating, America-obsessed, war-supporting, self-absorbed, ignorant fool.” And just as I did back when I walked into the Apple Store for the first time, today I feel just as justified (if not more justified) in my thoughts …
Because of what the media tells me about “those people”.
Because of the extreme examples the social media algorithms place in my feed.
Because of what I’ve been told “those people” think, believe, etc.
Because of what I’ve heard Donald Trump say on the news or on social media.
Because of what other people on “my side” think and say about “those people”.
Because of how some of “those people” use the Bible as a weapon.
Because of what I know the Bible REALLY says about the things “those people” believe and support.
Etc.
But.
Here’s the thing I’m learning.
And this?
It’s not really easy to swallow … so prepare yourself.
What I’m learning is this:
Just as most of (maybe even all of) my assumptions about gay people, Atheists, etc. were wrong, so most of (I may even dare say, all of) my assumptions about people I’m quick to demonize for wearing a MAGA hat or keeping a Trump sign on their lawn or voting Republican down the line are also inaccurate.
Yes: working at Apple for 11 years taught me that the things I assume about people who are different from me are most likely a bit far from reality.
I started to come to this realization last Summer when I talked to Dr. Kurt Gray on the podcast about his book, “Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground” where one of the things he explores is how studies have shown that what Republicans assume about Democrats and what Democrats assume about Republicans are wildly inaccurate.
AND.
That these 2 groups of people that appear to be so divided on the outside actually have way more in common than either side thinks.
Hm.
This idea was magnified a few weeks back when I talked to Dr. Scott Gelfand on the podcast about his book, “Thinking Ethically: A Handbook for Making Moral Choices” as he shared with me how further studies have shown that when it comes to Republicans and Democrats, the majority of people on one side hold the very same morals and the very same ethical beliefs as the majority of the people on the other side.
The differences?
The differences aren’t so much in what each side thinks is right and wrong, but in how the people on each side believe those morals and ethics ought to play out in policies, politics, etc. in an effort to make the world a better, safe place.
And.
What THIS means?
Well, it can mean a lot of things for a lot of different people, I suppose. And so I’m not here to tell you what it should or shouldn’t mean for you; I’m just sharing what it has come to mean for me as I take stock of the stones I’m quick to throw at people who see things or understand things differently than me.
And so.
For me, this means that …
I don’t know as much about the guy down the street from me with the Trump sign on his lawn as I think I do or that my side thinks it does or that my Progressive friends think they do.
I don’t know as much about the guy in front of me at the grocery store who is sporting a MAGA hat, MAGA shirt, and MAGA socks as I think I do or that my side thinks it does or that my Progressive friends think they do.
I don’t know as much about the lady down the street from me who is quite vocal about how she votes Republican right down the line regardless of their values, beliefs, etc. as I think I do or that my side thinks it does or that my Progressive friends think they do.
… and the list could continue for all the people I’m quick to make assumptions about - I don’t know as much about them as I think I do because the reality is that what they say along with how they vote, what political sign they put in their yard, what campaign shirt they wear to the grocery store, etc. - these things are just a small, small glimpse into the much larger picture of who they are.
And I know this because the same is true for me, right? And, I would assume, for you.
For example, I am much more than my political thoughts. Judging the whole of my person by how I vote would cause someone to miss (perhaps) the very best of who I am.
The same for judging me by my religious thoughts.
My theology.
My thoughts on abortion.
My thoughts on LGBTQ people.
Yes.
I am much more than all of these things because the conclusions I’ve come to about these things are preceded by 44 years of experiences - some good, some bad, some joyful, some painful, some successes, some failures, some good choices, some really poor choices - that have helped shape me, mold me, and grow me into who I am today (and who I will continue to become tomorrow and all the days to follow).
Because.
In addition to my political thoughts or religious thoughts or voting choices, I’m first and foremost …
A daddy to a beautiful 8 year old girl.
A husband of almost 16 years to the most amazing woman in the world.
The son of the most thoughtful and caring mom in the world.
The son of a dad who was taken from this world far too soon.
An artist.
A writer.
A creator.
A dreamer.
A fan of baseball.
A friend.
A gamer.
An avid reader.
The owner of 3 degrees - bachelor’s, master’s, and doctorate.
A guy who likes to mow the lawn and fix things around the house.
A guy who (more than anything else) wants to see the world be a better place for his loved ones.
… and the list could go on.
And so.
Even though I might disagree about politics with the guy down the street who has a Trump sign on his lawn, I’ve recently learned that he’s a father and that he recently moved here for work and that he misses his kids and grandkids who live a good distance away. I learned that he enjoys working in his yard, likes to rollerblade, and enjoys a good baseball game now and then.
Hm.
Maybe the best way for me to change the world, then, isn’t by forcing him into a conversation about the Trump sign on his lawn or trying to get him to understand why I think the War in Iran is a waste of time, resources, human life, etc.
But.
Maybe the best way for me to change the world is to ask him how his new job is going or when he’ll next get to see his grandkids or to compliment the garden that he’s been working so hard on or to ask him how he learned to do such cool tricks on his rollerblades or to remember that he’s a dad, grandfather, husband, baseball fan, rollerblader, etc. who (likely) wants to see (more than anything else) a better world for his loved ones.
And then.
Maybe one day one of those conversations will lead to politics and (again) rather than feeling the need to “set him straight” (as if all of my ideas and beliefs are superior to his!) maybe I can remember that this guy is more than the sign on his lawn and I can curiously ask him why he voted for Trump or why the MAGA values are important to him or why he views the War in Iran or some of Trump’s policies as good for the world.
And then.
Maybe?
If the conversation turns to me, I can say, “wow, I see that very differently - do you mind if I share what I think?” And then after I share some of my story maybe we can both realize that even though we have a different opinion about the sign on his lawn, we are both 2 dad’s who want to see the world be a better place for our loved ones even if we disagree about how that should play out in the world of politics.
I’ll admit, when the guy down the street first moved in and immediately put (no joke) 6 Trump signs on his lawn and hung a giant Trump flag off the front post of his house … I had all sorts of feelings and all sorts of things to say about it and a WHOLE HOST OF ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT HIM. I think I told everyone who would listen to me what a jerk this guy must be. I even took a picture of his lawn and sent it to people.
But, then?
One day when Jordan was in front of his house on her skateboard and he came out to offer us some lemonade and got down on his knee to speak to Jordan and listen to her tell him about her favorite colors and favorite animals and favorite teachers in school (she had A LOT to say that day) … I began to realize that this guy was more than the signs on his lawn - he’s a dad just like me, a living, breathing human being with a story just like mine, a person who houses the breath of the Divine, a creation who is worthy of love, compassion, and kindness.
He introduced me to his wife.
We talked about New York (we both moved here from up North).
He asked me what I do for work.
We talked about the community we live in, where to find the best pizza and bagels.
He asked me what I do for work, what hobbies I have, where I went to school.
I asked him the same.
We cheered for Jordan as she showed us her skateboarding skills.
And.
I admit.
My assumptions about him were wrong.
And so today I drop my stones of assumptions and choose to stop throwing them at “those people” who I think are so different from me.
I choose to stop assuming the worst of people who vote differently than I do.
I choose to stop assuming that people who value conservative theologies and/or politics are the problem with the world.
I choose to stop assuming that my views are superior or more educated or better for the world.
I choose to stop assuming that our differences are more in number than our similarities.
I choose to stop hurling my assumptions about others into the fires that have been stoked into a rage by the media and those the System have placed in power who benefit most from the division among us.
I choose to stop assuming that my declarations of belief are the only way to create lasting change in the world.
I choose to stop assuming that loving and listening to and being curious about those my side has “othered” is a sign of weakness.
In fact.
If I’m going to assume anything at all, I’m going to try to “assume positive intent” - assume that those who I think are so different from me are (like me) doing the best they can with what they’ve been given and we all (me, you, them, etc.), together, are on an eternal journey to become the best version of ourselves.
Much love.
Glenn || SUPPORT / ART STUDIO
PS - In addition to the books I mentioned above, here are some more that I’m finding helpful regarding my stones of assumptions:
Calling In: How to Start Making Change With Those You’d Rather Cancel by Loretta Ross
All In This Together by Jack Kornfield
Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet by Thich Nhat Hanh