Thanksgiving Reflection

demons, my younger self, and tears

Friends.

For those of us in the US, today is Thanksgiving. It’s been a heavy season for me. I shared a couple of weeks back about how I learned of the passing of my step-father (“Uncle Charlie”) and how that opened up a well …

A tsunami.

A cyclone.

A CAT 4 hurricane.

… of emotion. It’s odd how someone you haven’t seen or had a conversation with in almost 10 years can trigger such a strong response, right? It’s almost as if those unhealed or wounded parts of us come screaming to the surface of our lives to remind us of the pain they hold, they way they have been hurt, etc.

Yes:

Unhealed.

Wounded.

PARTS.

Of.

Ourselves.

I’ve shared before how when I was in seminary I was told that these unhealed and hurting parts of myself were demons. Professors and students and deans and pastors and fellow students - everyone (all of which had very good intentions, mind you) had me convinced that demons were in my life causing the pain and agony I was feeling.

They were the reason for my self-doubt.

They were the reason for my self-condemnation.

They were the reason for my fears.

They were the cause of my anxiety.

And so I spent years and years and years viewing these demons as my “enemy” and did everything in my power to cast them out, send them to hell, and move on with my life. I even have a collection of books on those very topics.

SIDE NOTE: I keep ALL of my books.

Why?

Because one day I hope to have a “library” of sorts where I can display them all and maybe even categorize them and organize them by “seasons” of my life …

Fundamentalism with authors like John MacArthur and John Piper.

My Mega Church phase with authors like Craig Groeschel, Joyce Meyer, and others.

My pursuit of Divine Healing and Miracles with John Wimber and Francis McNutt.

For a while I was into church history and theologians like John Wesley.

Deconstruction with Brian McLaren, Pete Enns, Rob Bell, etc.

Astrology, Tarot, Mediumship.

Psychology.

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

… anyways and so I have quite a collection of books from the Divine Healing / Miracles season of my life that are dedicated to helping people become “free” of their demons. I read the books, highlighted, took notes, and did my best to apply the things that I learned.

But.

At 43?

The voices are still there. When I learned of “Uncle Charlie’s” passing, for instance, they all came back with the force of a CAT 567 Hurricane (no such thing, I know, unless you live in my nervous system - HA!). For the last 2 weeks I’ve been weighed down with memories of his words, memories of how he often ruined holidays, memories of his shouts and anger and rage, memories of how he made me feel incapable, less than, not enough, etc.

Yes.

I’ve been sad.

Unproductive.

Full of doubt.

Feeling like I’m “not enough”.

… many of the same feelings I felt when I was younger and in his presence.

At 43, though, I’m learning that as helpful as my books about demons and my classes about deliverance from demons tried to be … I don’t have demons. The voices inside that generate the sadness, the doubt, the “not enough” feelings … they aren’t demons.

Instead.

They are smaller, younger parts of myself that are parroting back things to me that they heard when they were younger. And unlike my deliverance books tell me, they don’t need to be “cast out of me” anymore than they needed to be cast out of “Uncle Charlie’s” presence when I was younger. No. Rather, they need to be embraced, they need to be heard, they need to spoken over with love.

And so.

Today.

On Thanksgiving.

I’m thankful for those younger parts of me and all the “big feelings” they have brought to me over the years, over these last couple of weeks. I’m grateful that a younger version of myself feels safe enough to let those feelings out in my grown up body. And I’m thankful that I’ve finally come to recognize that voice for what it is - not an evil demon who wants to pull me away from the Lord, but a younger Glenn who is crying out for words of encouragement from a bigger version of himself. Rather than shout at him to “come out in the name of Jesus and go to the pits of hell”, I will speak to him in the same way I’d speak to Jordan if she came to me feeling insecure, full of doubt, and weighed down with feelings of worthlessness. I envision myself putting him on my knee or kneeling down next to him so I can look at him in the eye and remind him that we no longer live under “Uncle Charlie’s” roof, that those days are long gone. I remind him of all we have done, all we have accomplished. I remind him of Dana and Jordan and the home we have. Of the support of mom and dad (my step-step dad who passed away back in 2023). Of living my dream of working from home, creating things - podcasts, graphics, art, books, etc. I remind him our gifts and talents. I speak affirmations to myself …

“I am safe.”

“I am loved.”

“I am capable.”

“I am worthy.”

“I am strong.”

“I am gifted.”

… and even though the feelings don’t always go away in the moment and even though they sometimes come back again not too long afterwards, I’m learning to speak to these parts of myself with grace and compassion instead of rigidity and frustration.

And.

Honestly?

It helps. Even though it feels like I have more “down days” than I’ve ever had before and shed more tears than I’ve shed in my entire life … I also feel more whole and complete than I ever have before, more in touch with my True Self, more aware of what’s going on inside of me.

And that.

I think.

Is something to be grateful for.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. And for those who struggle around this time of the year, I see you. Take some deep breaths today and be gentle with your younger self.

Sending you all much love, thanks for being on this journey with me.

• Glenn || SUPPORT / ART STUDIO