What Was I REALLY Reaching For?
a moment of self-compassion
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There may be spelling / grammar mistakes in my articles that make it through my editing, and that’s on purpose. I’m a recovering perfectionist (who was once VERY hard on himself) and one of the ways I’m learning to be compassionate on myself is by allowing mistakes to just … be.
Friends.
I reached for my phone the other day for absolutely no reason at all.
Has that ever happened to you?
Sigh.
I was actually playing with Jordan. We were playing dolls.
I’m always the “mean doll”, by the way - HA! We’ve been playing dolls together multiple times a week since she could walk and she likes me to be the “mean doll” every single time.
AND.
I’m always the SAME mean doll - a short red-headed doll named “Annia”. Whether we are playing with Harry Potter dolls, Barbie dolls, Unicorn Academy dolls, Princess dolls … “Mean Annia” makes her way into every one of our imaginary worlds and creates mayhem.
Anyways.
So we were playing dolls and I reached for my phone for no reason at all. I don’t usually have my phone with me when we play unless it’s during the workday (I work from home) and I’m waiting for messages from people regarding things I’m working on …
Images.
Video edits.
Document editing.
Email creation.
Etc.
Sometimes a message will come in and we’ll need to stop for a few moments so I can respond to someone, tweak something, etc. Jordan understands because she knows I work from home and do my best to do my work throughout the day while taking breaks to play, go places, etc.
This was one of those days - I was waiting to hear back from someone regarding their approval for a project I had been working on over the last month or so. I was sitting on the floor with “Mean Annia” in my hand, my phone was behind me so that it WOULDN’T be a distraction, and my watch was on my wrist to alert of me of any texts or messages from the people I was waiting to hear from.
But.
Even so.
Without even thinking, my hand went behind my back to grab the phone.
And.
Honestly?
That bothered me because here I am having a moment with my daughter who is growing up way faster than I can wrap my mind around. And we’re playing dolls, which is something she still loves to do but is something (I realize) she won’t like to do forever. One day I will look back on these days with tears, longing for another chance to sit on the ground and be “Mean Annia” for a little while.
And me?
I’m mindlessly reaching for a screen for absolutely no reason.
Which got me thinking, “why am I REALLY reaching for this screen?”
Right?
Like, what is this compulsive pull that I feel to reach for my phone for absolutely no reason at all? What is drawing me to it?
OR.
Better yet.
What internal sensation am I trying to escape when I reach for the distraction of a screen?
Now, there’s the REAL question - right?
Because.
What if reaching for the phone for no reason at all isn’t so much about bad tech habits as it is a revelation of something deeper that’s going on inside of me and my heart and my soul - revealing some thought or feeling or sensation that I’m (subconsciously) trying to distract myself from?
And so the questions become …
What am I trying to distract myself from?
What am I trying to distract myself from WHEN I’M PLAYING WITH MY DAUGHTER?
Why is the pull so strong?
Why on earth am I doing it without even being aware that I’m doing it?
How often do I do it?
How many other times a day do I do it without having the momentary awareness I had in that instance?
I’m reading a book by Shannon Algeo (a conversation with him will be dropping on the podcast in September) where he explores these kinds of questions and wonders if the relationship we have with our technology is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves and the struggle we have to be present to the moments we’re in, present to our feelings, and present to the needs of those around us.
Hm.
I did some reflecting while preparing for my chat with him and I came to realize that I feel the pull towards my phone A LOT when I’m playing with Jordan and I think it’s an urge that comes deep from within my subconscious that believes that if I somehow distract myself from the moments I have with her, I won’t miss them as much when they’re gone.
Which is weird, right?
Or.
Maybe, not really all that weird; because, you see, I struggle with things ending. I struggle SO MUCH with things ending. In fact, I have spent the last few days with tears running down my cheeks on and off throughout the days because Summer is coming to end and Jordan went back to school TODAY (the day this post releases).
Actually.
By the time you’re reading this, she’ll already be in school for her first day at 4th grade and I’ll be sitting home at my computer without the …
Footsteps running around upstairs.
The giggles of Jordan playing with her kitty.
The sound of the TV and her favorite shows (“Is It Cake” on Netflix is her current favorite).
The requests for snacks.
The getting up to make lunch.
The taking of breaks from work to play dolls.
Trips to the skating rink.
… all of those moments from the last 3-ish months are memories, moments I’ll never have back again.
And, truth be told, deep down I start dreading this day EARLY in the Summer as I start thinking about it a week or so after school is over … already dreading when the summertime that has yet to be will end.
The same goes for holiday time - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
Birthdays.
The ending of the school year.
Over and over again throughout the year I hit these heavy moments where I feel deep and profound loss and sadness about times gone by that I will never have the opportunity to live again.
And so.
Back to me holding “Mean Annia” and mindlessly reaching for my phone - I think there’s a part of me that longs to disassociate from these precious moments with Jordan …
NOT because I don’t want to be there.
NOT because I don’t want to play.
NOT because I would rather be doing something else.
NOT because I’m bored.
BUT.
Because I know that there will be a time when I will have to let go of those moments; and so if I’m not as present in them as I could be, perhaps letting them go won’t hurt quite as badly.
And this is a realization that allows me to have compassion on myself, right?
Because rather than being a loser dad who is reaching for his phone while he’s playing with his kid because he’s bored out of his mind, I’m beginning to see a tender part of myself in those moments - an inner child of sorts who has struggled with endings since he was a boy and can’t possibly stand the idea of there coming a day when Jordan and I won’t play dolls anymore.
Reflecting on this has been helpful because it’s allowed me to reconnect with my inner child on a new level and speak to him as a parent, speak to him with wisdom and compassion in the same way that I would speak to Jordan if she were struggling with this sort of thing.
How so?
Later on that day, for example, when Jordan was playing upstairs and I was sitting at my computer, I wrote a letter to that younger part of myself and I think writing that letter was healing for me …
“Hey buddy.
Jordan is an amazing kid, isn’t she? I know that you’ve had to let go of a lot of things over the course of your life … and some things you had to let go of way sooner than you should have. Those losses are painful and they hurt. And the thought of having to one day let go of playing dolls with Jordan or being on the swingset with her or drawing with her … I know how scary that can feel as it feels like one more loss, one more ending, one more time we’ll never get back.
But.
Can I tell you something? I once heard someone say that ‘we hurt deeply when we lose something or someone (or a season of our lives) because we loved deeply’. In other words, deep hurt is a reflection of deep love and so even though we hurt deeply when we lose something or someone or a season of life ends, we can be thankful that we had and have the opportunity to love and be loved so deeply because many people make their way through life having never had those experiences.
The love you have for Jordan.
The love you have for playing with her.
The love you have for spending time with her.
Sure, the times will change - she will grow, her interests will change, the things she wants to do with you will change, and time with her might even be less.
BUT.
The love will always be the same and will only grow stronger and stronger and stronger.
And so live in these moments. When you feel the urge to reach for the phone to distract yourself from the moment that will soon end, choose to be present instead - choose to be present in this memory-making-moment and choose to throw your all into it knowing that one day letting it go will hurt, but that on that day you will also be able to look back with tremendous gratitude because of how fortunate you are to love so deeply and be loved so much, and to have had the chance to make such incredible memories.
And when the thought of those changes and losses seems too much to bear, I will be here and we can weep together for as long as you need all the while knowing that feeling the grief will only serve to unlock a deeper love, a deeper gratitude, and a deeper creativity for the work we do in the world.
Love you.
- Glenn”
Hope that can encourage someone who is thinking about their own relationship with technology or who is, maybe, like me, constantly struggling with and (very!) resistant to endings.
Much love.
Glenn || SUPPORT / ART STUDIO